Thursday, February 27, 2014

How did I get here?

I was able to get away with some friends this past weekend to hear one of my favorite blogger/authors speak. I don't have (or make) time to read or follow very many people, so the fact that I enjoy her enough to actually read her stuff says something. Jen Hatmaker was in Little Rock, and we got to hear her wise words and have some much needed mama time away! She is real, she is honest, she is bold, she is controversial, and she hit me with things that weren't even bouncing around in my (way, way too full) head of ideas. Instead of coming home refreshed and relaxed, like I expected, I came home broken. Broken in a new way over issues THAT MATTER in this world, broken over things we choose not to think about, broken over wanting to do and be more. I came home with lots of notes, and I ended up having to hold on to them and soak them in for a few days before I could even talk to Micah about things I was feeling without crying.
I'm glad I waited to talk to him about it because as I prayed about the things I was feeling, God revealed so much to me. I had things that I needed to be honest about, things that were on my heart that needed to be shared, and it's always interesting to learn new things about yourself. I'm going to share a few things with you. Not because you care, but because this is my blog and my journal and my documentation of life. So, as I've said before, you can just follow along if you'd like. :)
God has been working in my life over the past several years in many ways. One of the constants is bringing me back to scripture that talks about taking action. Then, bringing me to people who preach and talk about what it means to actually be doers of the word instead of only readers of the word. We have so many plain truths in scripture for how we should live...are we choosing to ignore that? You've seen our family walk shakily in obedience of God's word with our adoptions, mission trips, and other things. I try to take God's word for what it is, and try not to get stuck in the rut of "serving safe people and blessing blessed people," like we tend to do when we only serve in areas we like or feel comfortable. However, I am always feeling the need to do be MORE for shine His light a little MORE.
I've been convicted over the past few days that I need to be content instead of always striving for more. Yes, God wants us to take action and move mountains in His name. Yes, God commands us to feed the hungry, care for the sick, and love our neighbors. But right now, in my life, God is calling me to care for my three littles who need me desperately. I'm not able to do all the volunteer work I want to do right now because, let's be honest, it would be more work for whatever organization to clean up after my tornadoes than I would be help. At some point, my kids will be able to serve along side me, and that will be fabulous. Until then, they need to be trained up and loved with grace and mercy...and that means some things just have to give.
As we drove home from the event, the precious friends I went with helped this soak in just a little more for me. They each have kiddos that are older than mine, and some of them very close together. They are able to do things and serve in ways now that just wouldn't have happened for them a few years ago either. We will be there, I see the light.
When I was finally able to decompress with Micah the other night, I melted just a tiny bit at the table at a local restaurant. I love my sweet husband who tries to act like nobody is staring at me as I blubber and talk to him about deep things in a public setting. For the love, doesn't he know I can't talk about anything at home with the three little leaches hanging all over me? It felt really good to cry a little bit and be honest about how I was feeling.
How was I feeling?
Unappreciated (by children who don't speak in full sentences)
Unimportant (because I'm not currently "changing the world")
Confused on how I got here
How God wants me to feel:
I'm focusing on these things, and not going to let myself feel like I'm not doing enough. I've been so overwhelmed with Bretton's needs, and toddler needs, and home needs, and husband needs, and church needs, and I've had zero time to settle and rest in God. I've made zero time for him to work in me completely because I've been hurrying off to the next way I could serve Him. That's not what my God is about.
So, I'm continuing on and trying to find the balance between making sacrifices in my life and resting in Him at the same time. This is not me giving in to the excuse of being busy and not serving.  I'm just going to have to give up certain things I'm not feeling led to do, say no to new things, and listen more carefully to find the specific callings for our family at this time.
This world is SO broken. There are so many needs, so many causes that break my heart, so many mountains to move. I feel a overwhelming responsibility to take action, but I know I have to rest in God's timing. One of my favorite quotes from this weekend was, "We will not sit on our pile of privileges and pretend they are ours to enjoy." We are so God's design, not our doing.
A few questions I'm pondering (and maybe you want to as well):
-Who am I serving and why?
-Am I painfully hungry for God's word? Do I crave it like honey on my tongue?
-What in my life am I unwilling to leave or give up?
-What does it look like to love this world?
-Are we only listening to leadership that supports our lifestyle or endorses our choices?
Sorry I'm not sorry for getting so deep. :) I needed to get it out. I may be sharing ways with you that we are choosing as a family to support causes we are passionate about without just being "busy." Or...this may be it. Comment or email me if you have questions or suggestions...I am SO open to both!

1 comment:

  1. Beautiful words. Thank you for being open and honest. This hits home and I can relate to all of it!