Sunday, February 24, 2013

I'm just being honest...

I'm a little grumpy and have been in a funk the past few days. I'll just be honest and tell you that I think it is because we have seen some changes with Parke. Nothing super serious, and he always seems to rebound and go back to being "normal" just as fast as it went the other way. He has a cough right now, and when he has a little spell of coughing his color seems to change. He hasn't been eating as well and has been getting choked more often. So, there it is. That's what has been going on the past few days, and it is just hard to take time to sit down and update when all I want to do is snuggle a baby....and we've been doing a lot of that!
We go see Parke's normal pediatrician tomorrow, and I'm anxious to see what he weighs, let them hear his lungs, and find out what his pulse-ox is. I'll keep you posted!

When I say that I'm a little grumpy with all that is going on, it makes me frustrated with myself. I don't want to be grumpy, I want to be happy and thankful...and I am 99% of the time. Lucky ya'll...I've sat down at the computer perfectly timed to the other 1%. Ha! 

I am SO happy and thankful that Parke is still with us. I am blessed by each day that we get to spend with him and the amazing love that he has added to our family. It's just hard for a planner to live in limbo-land, and that is exactly where I feel like we are today. We thought Parke's life was going to be short and sweet....2 days to 2 weeks (ish). Am I upset that he is still here? Heck no, but we don't know what tomorrow brings, and that is hard for me. Does him making it 6 1/2 weeks mean that he will be here forever? Does him making it 6 1/2 weeks mean that he has only a few days left? Only God knows, and I totally trust him. I would just love to receive an email from him with a detailed schedule of what to expect...and I'm definitely learning a lesson or two on who is in control of this situation. :)
I like to consider myself a realist. I know that I could lose Micah, Landry, or Collier in an instant as well. I've always tried to live my life without regrets and as if it could be anyone's last day...including my own. I try to always tell my family that I love them and leave situations in good standing...just in case. The part that makes this situation with Parke different is that we were expecting it to be his last day, and it wasn't. Now, we're moving on with our lives and making plans with him in them, but there is still a cloud over us with what statistics say will happen. 
So, we're living each day wondering if it will be Parke's last. Trying not to let it be the focus of our lives, but the question is there. 
I'm probably doing a pitiful job explaining my feelings, but I think you will get the idea. 

Parke gave me a thumbs up on his 6 week birthday, and that made my heart sing. He is thrilled to be here with us for as long as he has, and I must get back to snuggling him now. 

Thanks for letting me vent. Some days, I just need it! 

I'm going to put these verses on my bathroom mirror this week and make sure I focus on today and not tomorrow. I'm thankful that HE is in control and not me. 
Matthew 6: 27 and 34
27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.


  1. I've never met you. Don't even really "know" you, exept for the past six weeks of sweet Parke's life. But I want to reach through the screen and just hug your neck! I can't imagine what you must be going through-I myself hate unknowns and the unknowns that you have are so huge! Trusting and praying with you and your family...........

    In Him,
    Shelly Parker

  2. praying for sweet parke and you all! love!

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    1. I have only been reading your blog for a couple of weeks, but I wish we lived closer so I could meet you! You seem to be such an incredibly wonderful person! Your tiny baby boy is such a blessing, and you are such a blessing to him! I love your honesty, and I can't imagine you feeling any different! I will be praying that it gets easier to "live in the moment" and that you can rest peacefully in knowing God is always by your side! I am also a planner ~ I am learning to "let go", giving it all over to Him! Hugs!

    2. Thank you Sheila for your sweet words and cyber hug! :)